DEFINALLY (də•ﬁ•nal•ly): A husband and wife provide the last word on matters previously open to reasonable debate.
This important work was inspired by a dispute between the authors themselves: They did not agree upon the meaning of the modifier “next,” when used to indicate a forthcoming day of the week. Does “next Thursday,” that is, mean the very next Thursday to come? Or does it mean the Thursday of the following week, whether or not there is still a Thursday remaining in the current week?
These and many other disagreements will now, here, be put to rest. But Definally. doesn’t provide answers that can be looked up anywhere else. What Definally. does is turn matters of opinion into matters of fact. If you want to know who hit the most home runs in the National League in the 1976 season… dear God, just typing this example is putting us to sleep. Definally. won’t answer that question.
Definally. will instead tell you who the best athlete of all time was/is… if that’s what you want to know. Or which car is the absolute coolest. Or how many pairs of pants is the right amount to own. And then that debate will be over. For ever. You’re welcome.
Matthew David Brozik is co-author of the Government Manual series of guidebooks for superheroes, wizards, and pirates; his award-nominated quirky fiction and humor pieces have appeared in various publications, in print and online. Lauren Krueger is a video editor and writer and all-around know-it-all. Lauren and Matthew are married. To each other.